Thursday, June 10, 2010

Doubting TUC

Have I ever told you that I am not the most faith-filled Christian? Yes, well, I am not.

I swear God told me it was time to adopt a child. I felt it. I prayed about it. I was pretty sure He said to do it, but it isn’t like there was a burning bush in the back yard or anything.

As often happens to me, I will get partway through doing something and I will begin to doubt God’s presence in it. This is especially easy for me to do when my church isn’t formally supportive, and when my father begins to question me, when the funds don’t appear, and when people send me emails hinting around that this adoption thing isn’t a good idea.

I start to think, OMGoodness, maybe I made it all up in my head. Maybe God didn’t say anything to me at all. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe there really is no God. Yes, I am a perpetual doubter. I panic and then I worry that my mistake will haunt me forever. Dramatic, eh?

And just when I started to feel sick to my stomach about the whole affair, my sweet Lord sent me a gift, a reminder of his promises, of his word, of his love and support. It came late last night while I was perusing blogs. I stumbled upon a video of a missions trip to an Eastern European orphanage. In web time it was long, eight whole minutes, but I clicked start anyway. And then it happened, she appeared on a swing, full of smiles. My heart skipped a beat and I backed it up. Was it really her? Was this possible?

That was the gift but not the reminder of his will for me. No, the reminder was the verse that was posted right at the end of my girl’s scene,
“Truly, I say to you, as you do to one of the least of these my brothers, you do to me.” Matthew 25:40.

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you might remember that is the verse that God used to prompt me toward adoption. I felt a physical swoop of joy and thankfulness when I read it there and my doubts melted away.

5:21 and 7:27, isn’t she adorable?


Leah said...

(sorry I just wrote a novel! LOL)

I, for one, am grinning from ear to ear! I think it's interesting how when we have our babies with DS, suddenly our "true" friends are brought to the surface, and those we thought were friends slip away. The same is true for special needs adoption, unfortunately its often our family and our church family who's colors show true. It's really sad. Instead, I ask them back, "Why NOT?" (as I did in this post ) My side of the family is full of adoption. (in every direction, adopted in, adopted out, reunited 30 years after adoption, etc.) But Dean's family has NEVER had an adoption. It's foreign to them, so of course, that's where the opposition comes from. But when I asked them, "Why not?" They couldn't think of a good reason other than THEY wouldn't want to do it. Well, good for them for knowing their limits, but we are not them. My husband made a good comment when I was in Serbia, "Who am I to try to tell her to NOT do what God is telling her to do? Aren't I then telling her, Don't listen to God, He doesn't know what he's talking about."?

How many of your family members have complimented you on your faith and your strength in raising your children? And NOW they doubt you? You know it comes from their love and concern for you, sadly this time it's misguided. They'll get over it (even if you do have hear a few "I told you so!" comments along the way.

The Sanchez Family said...

Oh the chills! And thank you for putting into words the same things I went through in our adoption...even on the day of meeting Sofia...the doubts crept in...the fear...was I making a mistake? would it be too much for me? some of my closest family members turned away from us and told us we were crazy. I'm so grateful and kept taking the leap of step at a time. I walk with you my friend!!!

Lu, Poppies Blooming said...

Is it too late to claim that someone hacked my account and wrote that scathing comment there?

TUC said...

Lol, Lu, I love you :-)It was my fault for not fairly showing both sides of my internal struggle.

Lu, Poppies Blooming said...

The funny thing is, unless I'm talking about orphans I just would never speak harshly to anyone. I'm shy in real life. Somehow these littlest of angels bring out a fierceness that even I didn't know I had. And whilst nothing I said is untrue, it was said much nicer in the Bible! :P

Julie said...

That amazing glimpse is truly a gift. I crying buckets, probably because I'm so jealous! What a beautiful girl - you're very lucky. I think I will have to wait until I can take the photo myself before I get another one of our girl :)

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