Monday, June 28, 2010

The B-Side of Summer

I used to love my flowers. They reminded me of summertime, carefree days and warmth. But now my brain has tangled them with imagery of my baby suffering. I can no longer disassociate this blooming flower...

johnny

from these bruised flowers.

wrist

wristright

And when the hot sun, that I used to love, beats down on me I think of how her mouth and nose looked when I would come back in the mornings. No mercy from the imaginary sun that dried her lips into rock candy and caused her nose to bleed.

dry

blood

The smell of fresh cut grass tells me that today there may be some skin missing or an infection brewing.

faceskin

innerthigh

As I watch the ants coming and going, all over their little hills,

ants

I see the needle pricks. Once, after her surgery, I counted 47 holes in her wrists and upper inner thighs... and then I stopped counting. With nothing left to hit on the outsides, it went in under her armpit.

tryagain

artline

I debate whether I should destroy the pictures and burn her accoutrements. Will summertime return to me anew if I do?

herstuff

Maybe you should talk to someone my husband says. That is why I write, I say.

6 comments:

Chromosomally Enhanced said...

my my...thank you for writing..not many could understand! or help or comfort..smiles

gillian said...

Wow. Maybe after a while longer the flowers, and sun, and ants will be even more important, symbols of not only what you've been through but what your little one conquered.

For a long time I would get sick to my stomach when I'd see a hospital room on TV.

It's starting to fade.

L.L. Barkat said...

Such painful visions. Of a reality that, thankfully, is no longer hers.

Today she is Summer itself, the lilting pansies and the grass.

RissaRoo said...

My heart hurts for you, and for her. She bears her scars on the outside, you on the inside...and you know all too well which kind heal the fastest.

Broken hearts do heal, hers and yours. And anniversary effect will fade, though perhaps this would be a good year to get a special box for those painful mementos, prayerfully tuck them away and hold a ceremony to make it official. I hate to think of the joy of summer being stolen from you, my friend! But Oh, so glad that you have her, so healthy, to enjoy the summers to come with you.

The Sanchez Family said...

I think with time Kimani will show you summer again in all it's beauty and the memories of summer past will fade away through the years. I think it's important to visit it from time to time to remember and know how far you and she have come and soon you will no longer need or want to go back. She is going to show you so many future summers of bliss and happiness!

Jasmine said...

I know.....................................

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