Thursday, February 21, 2013

Not Jealous of You

This morning, while all five children—home from school on winter break—frolicked around and I tried to clear off a spot on the far side of my kitchen counter where I might fold laundry, Kimani jumped from the kitchen table to the counter and, in a split second, threw my bread machine onto the floor... smashing it.

I was so mad. I chastised her and promptly plopped her in her crib for a time out. And then I proceeded to attempt self-pity and tried to think of someone I could be jealous of... someone whose child does not daily earn the title of "The Master of Disaster."

No more fresh bread, damn it.

And the very first thing that popped into my mind was Kevin Carter’s Pulitzer prize-winning photo...


No, I cannot be jealous of that child’s mother.

But that didn’t stop me from wanting to feel like shit so I put the starving children of this world out of my mind and tried again. And images from Kimani’s school came crashing down on me... beautiful little girls just like her who cannot climb on tables and counters, who cannot walk into their mother’s arms...


"Ok," I said to myself, "it was just a bread machine" (this time). Despite the first tingles of guilt, I still whined to myself, "but couldn’t it be easier?"

Surely she could be like... surely I could be jealous of... think think think

I can’t show you pictures of what I saw then... a procession of little faces, Kimani's friends—some forever infants, some toddlers, some four year olds like her—all of whom break bread in Heaven now... each one I remember so clearly, and their mamas... each one so undeserving of the loss they suffered.

What the hell is a broken bread machine compared to that?


Anonymous said...

you will surely have fresh bread. we are not supposed to eat much bread, so you can have my breadmaker. oh i just want to squeese that baby and take him home. but really i am just too old to be a momma. but not a grandma. i am blessed to have all my adorable grandbabies. love you mom.

Anonymous said...

or a piano, a piano bench, a couple Mikasa dishes, multiple laptops, vcr's, dvd players, dvd's, jewelry, 3 kitchen chairs, the bamboo flooring, other childrens' hair, shall I go on?

TUC said...

Lol, you have to admit she is worth her weight in homeowner's insurance ;-)

Extranjera said...

I've been over a few times, wanting to comment, while every single comment made me sound like I was tooting my own horn, so I'll just say this: Yes, attitude, attitude, attitude. I love this post.

TUC said...

Thank you, and feel free to toot whenever you want... I love the sound of other people's horns.

Unknown said...

I think this is me! I get upset and then reflect and think...what the heck! I know there are people that have bigger things them me...but I have to mourn the loss of my fresher baked bread! And then I can apology to my child profusely! And maybe next time I will not over react! Maybe...smiles

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