Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The Wrecker

That is one of Kimani’s nicknames. Two others are The Cobra and Kimzilla. She is our Master of Disaster.


Kimani has grown just tall enough to reach the burners on the stove, and everything on the kitchen counters. Her favorite pastime is throwing things. Bad combination. She is strong enough and agile enough to climb up on the tables, and “wipe” them clean.

She is very picky about the way she will accept food. She wants to hold it, to touch it, put it in her mouth and take it out. Give her anything more than a bite, and it will end up tossed across the room. Not enough and she will ream you out.

She loves to spin. She will twirl around and around and around until I am dizzy watching her. Spin, stomp the foot, spin, stomp the foot. She will twirl on the floor, or spin on the table. Round and round she goes, never falling.


Some days I worry about what might become of The Wrecker...

But everybody is gifted you know, and she is no exception. Here is a list of some cool jobs Kimani might grow up to do.

Penguin Feeder at the Aquarium
She is perfect for this job. She can whip handfuls of food like nobody’s business. And unlike lots of people, she isn’t selfish so she won’t mind giving the penguins their fair share.

Product Tester
Ever see the commercials for the Gyro bowl? Its feature list boasts that it is kid-proof and virtually indestructible. Ha ha, right. They should have had Kimani test it out for them. It took her about two seconds to spill cheerios out of it, and another two seconds to break it. (Granted we could fix it but not until after she made a mess of the contents.) Now, the bright blue shell we put on the back of her iPad? Yeah, that is indestructible, so far anyway.

Artisan Butter & Wine Maker
All that twirling and never getting dizzy? Scrub her up and drop her in a tub of cream or grapes and let her go at it. Soon you will have delicious sweet butter, or plenty of juice for a batch of fine Merlot.

Childproofing Consultant
Worried that you haven’t prepared your house well enough for that new baby? Call Kimani. She will come to your house and locate every single thing that can still be dangerous. She will find the outlet you missed and every single cord you thought was hidden. She will tear down the full-length curtains you forgot were inviting to tiny hands. She will knock over anything not firmly attached. And, for the mere price of a latte, she will help you determine if coffee stains will come off your ceiling.

Demolition Set Grip
Imagine you are filming a movie. There is a mansion with a spacious, immaculate living room and you need to have it look like some bad kids threw a wild party while their parents were away. Kimani to the rescue. She is quick and efficient, and with the proper tools could easily make the place look burglarized if that were your preference.

Personal Boxing Trainer
Think you are ready to get in the ring with one of the Klitschko brothers? You’re not. Not yet. Not until you hire Kimani to hang out with you. She will teach you how to dodge and duck. Take your eye off her for a second and she’ll pop you in the head with her iPad, or grab your drink and whip it, or toss an oversized bucket of pretzels in your face. Turn your back on her and she just might bite you on your bottom.

The Wrecker, The Cobra, Kimzilla, call her what you will, but never ever underestimate her talents. Can you think of a great career for Kimani that I left out? Leave it in the comments. The best entry will win an afternoon babysitting her, bwaa ha ha ha!

1 comment:

L.L. Barkat said...

Tether-holder for the pony rides? (As long as she doesn't throw anything at the kids and try to knock them off as they go by :)

You crack me up.

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