Monday, September 10, 2012

Raising Cain

I remember... when TK was just eleven years old she came home from Easter vacation at her mom’s house with her long beautiful hair dyed black. Black as black can be, and I thought to myself, “Oh no, here we go.” And though my husband cut off all her hair, what drove her did not go away. From there on out, it was a rough ride... not because she began misbehaving but because she was struggling internally: sad, angry, and no positive self image.

I thought it would be so much easier with boys, but now I see that I was wrong. Just the other day when I was searching You Tube for a song, my oldest son—nine year old Gecko, poked his head in my office and said, “Can you play ‘Feel Like a Monster’?” I had heard that song before, probably on the van radio but I couldn’t think of how he would know it. He went on to tell me that it is his song, that he feels that way.

I pulled it up and clicked the Play arrow... and after a couple seconds of an animated icky video, I stopped it. “How did you find that song?” I asked him, concerned about him searching You Tube for anything at all... and he explained that I had the wrong video... there is a video of the Pokemon Zoroark with the song. Hmmm, Pokemon... ok but not really because I do not like the idea that he identifies so strongly with the words to the song.

Now he sings it everyday. Just this morning waiting for the bus, "♪ ♫ I've lost my soul, ♪ ♫ I've lost my heart." Listen if you dare.

I wish, no stronger than that, I ache to be able to go back to when he was just a little toddler and do it over again so that somehow we don’t end up here. (Did my mom think she did it all wrong when I would blare AC/DC’s ‘Highway to Hell’ on my stereo everyday?) Isn’t nine a tad young for this kind of angst?

The boy sure is his mother’s son.


Anonymous said...

wow.......I dared to listen......and found myself disturbed by the words...especially if they are repeated over and over in a child's mind. So, okay, what to do. Wait and see if it all goes away.....and if it doesn't........
Could you challenge this obviously bright child to write new words to that melody? Sing his OWN SONG. not one that someone else wrote. Would he respond to the suggestion that he could write a better song. A song that makes people feel good?

TUC said...

Anon, that is funny because my younger son sings the song too... but he sings, "I feel like a rockstar!" and I just love that :-)

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