I suppose if I once had it and then I lost it, and then maybe I started to rebuild it... maybe it is conditional. But it wasn’t really faith I was talking about. It was belief. For a while there, my belief in God was suspended.
I realized of course that like Job, I still believe, but my relationship with God is crippled. Partly because I am a crappy Christian, partly because you are crappy Christians, but mainly because my daughter has brain damage.
Can I tell you how many Christians have said to me with a big Christian smile, “God made Kimani “special” and chose you to be her mom”? Had it just been Down syndrome, I might have able to buy into that platitude. Lucky me, lucky Kimani, we are so privileged and special.
And in some ways, it would be true (even though you speaker of platitudes didn’t really know it from experience or believe it with conviction) because Ds is really normal everyday life in slower motion and without the normal capacity for evil behavior.
God made Kimani have brain damage. Are you going to say that too? God let Kimani have brain damage. God did not protect Kimani from brain damage. Maybe July 27, 2008 was a really busy day for Him and oops He overlooked her.
It is really hard to go around being Happy-go-Christian when you are furious with God. It is hard to listen to other Christians' platitudes, and to overlook their sinful actions when they are exclamation points in my dear john letter.
What is faith? If the question is actually one of belief, then yes I believe that God exists. But if the real question is do I have faith that God is all-loving and that everything He does is for our good? No, I don’t think I am confident in that concept any longer.
Eventually will the bigger picture prevail on me? It may.
10 comments:
If you find your way back, let me know your secret. While I miss my faith, I am too jaded, too disappointed and I have too many questions to begin to find my way back.
I forget what happened that led to her brain damage, but I soo understand what you are saying. My son will never walk, talk, or do anything that my sweet Arina is doing. He should be! Yes he was born with a heart defect, but it kills me to know that he could have done so much more. He should be running around, playing with his sister and brothers, instead, he can't even sit up! Was that Gods plan? If it was, that's a really mean plan!
This quote seemed appropriate for you today...
"Some Old Testament scholars define "lament" as the reaction to a belief-shattering experience. Even though I knew better, before I carried and birthed my daughter Cara I believed that if I did what was right, I could expect positive outcomes. This is my lament. Metaphysically speaking, I do not know why bad things happen. I do not know whether God wills them, merely allows them, cannot stop them or something else entirely. What I do know is that I am not fully the master of my own destiny and that one day I will again witness the birth of something beautiful."
~ Janel Kragt Bakker
It really pisses me off when people tell me that God chose me to be Brooke's mom...
and yes, I'm a Christian church going kind of gal that loves my God, but who are you to tell me that? So uppity...
And I haven't been through what you've been through, so I would never say anything condescending like those statements...
Although I read a great book for my Bible study, Letters From a Skeptic...maybe it could help sort some thoughts?
so you may have guessed that our family are atheists...yes I said it and I know I will feel the repercussions of it...I am courteous when someone prays for us -I say thank you...I am courteous when someone tells me that everything happens for a reason -I say ok and smile...I am courteous when someone tells me that god made Maddie with Ds, TEF/Ea and that he would not give me something I cannot handle...again I smile with a thank you...when someone finds out I have lost faith I am shunned...I am made to feel less then...and me and my children are going to hell...someone even once told me that -me not believing in god is why Maddie has health problems...I have faith...in science, in doctors with evidence not just faith and belief in a story...not a fairy in the sky that has taken my mother at a very early age and has given me a child I had to learn to love...will you believe again? only if you want to...will you have faith again? only if you want to...it is a personal choice...there are many religions...many faiths...some people have to believe in something...they have to have a higher purpose to make this life meaningful and worth living...some just realize that this is our one life and make the most of it...smiles
Leaving God out of this story entirely.... there is a human in the world by the name of Kimani and she may have to live her life more instinctually than thoughfully, and you will be the observor. You will be the guide standing by to steer her life in some direction. She and you will be one in so many ways. If you had certain dreams and desires for the future of this child, they are changed....so where do you look when you look into her future; into the mystery of her? Maybe someday you will see a grand purpose for her life on earth...maybe not, but there she is She just is. Her hand is always in your hand. There is no explanation for Kimani. There is no explanation for love ...love just is.
Thank you Anonymous. Just... thank you.
Faith, the word, is just a label. Faith does not fit in a box to be pulled out when convenient. Everyone has a journey with cross roads, burdens, and injustice. We also have a choice. Your baby is beautiful.
Great big hugs to anonymous' comment "Leaving God out of this story entirely ..."!!
Yes, just yes to your whole post. My belief in God is still there, but my faith is shaky.
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