A while back I wrote about how I had an epiphany that there is no God. At the end of the post, in the comments, I was asked if my faith is conditional.
I suppose if I once had it and then I lost it, and then maybe I started to rebuild it... maybe it is conditional. But it wasn’t really faith I was talking about. It was belief. For a while there, my belief in God was suspended.
I realized of course that like Job, I still believe, but my relationship with God is crippled. Partly because I am a crappy Christian, partly because you are crappy Christians, but mainly because my daughter has brain damage.
Can I tell you how many Christians have said to me with a big Christian smile, “God made Kimani “special” and chose you to be her mom”? Had it just been Down syndrome, I might have able to buy into that platitude. Lucky me, lucky Kimani, we are so privileged and special.
And in some ways, it would be true (even though you speaker of platitudes didn’t really know it from experience or believe it with conviction) because Ds is really normal everyday life in slower motion and without the normal capacity for evil behavior.
God made Kimani have brain damage. Are you going to say that too? God let Kimani have brain damage. God did not protect Kimani from brain damage. Maybe July 27, 2008 was a really busy day for Him and oops He overlooked her.
It is really hard to go around being Happy-go-Christian when you are furious with God. It is hard to listen to other Christians' platitudes, and to overlook their sinful actions when they are exclamation points in my dear john letter.
What is faith? If the question is actually one of belief, then yes I believe that God exists. But if the real question is do I have faith that God is all-loving and that everything He does is for our good? No, I don’t think I am confident in that concept any longer.
Eventually will the bigger picture prevail on me? It may.
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