Tuesday, March 5, 2013

You Made Your Bed

A blogging mom I know who produced an abundance of children wrote a post the other day about how hard motherhood can be, in fact she said it feels like a thankless job. She was truly venting, showing an honest and vulnerable parenting moment, and for the most part she got a ton of comments from women, including me, who were all very much like, "Yeah, I hear you."

lmfamilyBut she also got the comment about how she basically is doing motherhood wrong and if she could only learn to do it right, she would find that her now well-behaved children make her feel like motherhood is a "thankful" job, although really, that is not the opposite of thankless in this context, but hey... when you are preaching there is no need to check your semantics.

Anyway, this blogger really puts herself out there and over the years I have noticed that she gets a lot of "You made your bed now lie in it, and don’t bitch about it" crap. And I have been thinking about that because I made a bed too, and I would love to share the reality, the struggles of living with all my choices but I really don’t want to listen to all that self-righteous baloney from readers in glass houses.

Because all of us live in glass houses. I don’t care who you are or how much you Fakebook, there are truths in your life that are just as tough as the ones in mine, or Lisa’s. And furthermore, many people who "make their bed" give up and get out of it... for example, half of all marriages end in divorce.

Life is filled with choices that have both positive and negative consequences. So why is it only ok to talk about the positive ones?

There is a loss of integrity in our own lives when we are unwilling to let people talk about the difficulties that came with their choices, when we condemn and attempt to silence them with our judgements.


CJ said...

Here is the thing. Some people have ONE child and hate the job. Some three. Some four. Some more. Kids are not a "take back" decision. Maybe having three toddlers is bliss, but three gradeschoolers is hell for the same mom. Motherhood is static. Some parts/years suck. Some are smooth and easy. You cannot predict how the number of children you CHOOSE to have will affect you in five, ten or fifteen years. But you take the good, the bad and the mundane and you make the best of it. What more can ANY of us do?

TUC said...

You are absolutely right CJ, and I would even say that goes for much more than just motherhood... partner relationships, careers, moves, and on and on.

Tara said...

My theory is that those of us who live public, authentic lives are living them fuller. It is freeing, although occasionally hurtful, to not exhaust oneself protecting the almighty image. We open ourselves up for more stones, but also for more community, more experience, and more grace. The "you made your bed" camp are terrified that someone will see a crack in their armor, thus the deflection by criticizing the rest of us.

Unknown said...

This kills me...judgement just sucks...I laugh when I read on Facebook about people that parent perfect...because I am not one of those people...and I think people should have the right to bitch about there life...the comment "you made your bed now lie in it" is ignorance...no one knows others true stories...they only know what we want them to know...I am not a fan of being mean...it's ok not to read someone or hide them...but it's really not ok to put someone down especially about family...smiles

Anna Theurer said...

Are you kidding me?! Someone was on their high and mighty horse when they commented. It is so easy for people to be mean from behind the computer. I would like to see this person say it to her face. I love the honesty of you and Life As We Know it. It is WHY I read your blogs. The honesty is what makes me feel like I am not alone. Motherhood is a blessing and yet there are hard days and even hard months. It is the nature of things. Goodness, my grammar is off. . . need more coffee. Anyway, keep on blogging and ignore the nasty comments for you and LM are helping more people than you know.

Lisa said...

Thanks for posting this.

I also think that there is a misconception that if we complain about our lives or the consequences of our choices, then we aren't grateful for all that we have. The two are not mutually exclusive, however. Life and motherhood are full of ups and downs, and anyone who can't acknowledge that is full of crap.

TUC said...

So true Lisa. Almost all major choices we make have good AND bad (or difficult, or negative) things that come along with them. Talking about the hard stuff in no way devalues our feelings about the good side, and people really need to get that.

Like I found out that adopting two kids created way more work than I ever imagined, but even though I might complain about that, I don't regret getting them. I can love them and hate the extra work :-)

Farmgirl said...

Wow... so this post arrived just when I was realizing (and discussing with my husband) that I haven't blogged in awhile because I've been in a "funk" and feel that writing the struggle of living with an ongoing health problem while working full time and mothering full time would just sound like "whining." Thanks for this- maybe I'll write something sooner than June. :)

Evie O'Keefe said...

Tara, I love your comment.

Good post, TUC. (It sounds like Tuck in my head...)

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