Saturday, March 24, 2012

Our Only Begotten Daughter

Like the aligning of distant planets prior to a cosmic event, bits and pieces of a revelation concerning Kimani line up inside my head.

For a long, long time I have wanted to know for what purpose it serves God to have allowed Kimani to get meningitis. There is no answer that satisfies. And since those cursed days of July 2008, I wander... lost in sorrow and anger.

Recently I heard an interview with musician Jeremy Camp where he talks about his wife’s attitude toward her terminal cancer. He recounts that she said, “If my situation brings one person to God, then it is all worth it.” The bitter voice inside my head replied, “Yeah, but would you say that if it was your child?”

I couldn’t.

The interview left me with that sole thought... what about when its your child instead of you. What Christian can answer me that?

Holding the book One Thousand Giftsin my hands, I read Ann Voskamp’s initial answer, “No, God, Your plans are a gutted, bleeding mess and I didn’t sign up for this and You really thought I’d go for this?” and a tear splashes down darkening a small spot on the page. I have been saying that very thing to God.

I have been saying no. I have been screaming NO! I have taken a stance, “No God, there is nothing, no reason good enough for letting Kimani be brain-damaged by meningitis.” In my anger, I have shown how ungrateful I am.

It is written in Genesis (a book I was made to reread this week for a class I am taking) that God said to Abraham, “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Mori'ah, and offer him there as a burnt offering upon one of the mountains of which I shall tell you." Gen. 22:2. For those of you who aren’t up on Genesis, Abraham went but God spared Isaac at the last minute. In modern times who would obey that call from God to accept that their own child is the sacrifice? Not me.

Except for one little problem. It is already done, and my refusal of this as part of God’s plans for me has ruined our relationship. I can no longer participate in the Eucharist, the “Thanksgiving”, the communion with God. I am not able to “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” as instructed in 1Th 5:18.

I ask myself, “Is she no longer a reason to bow down in thankful praise?” That is the message I got from Ann... that the way back begins with “Thank you.”

So today I begin my journey back, “Thank you God for her beautiful blue eyes.”



Heidi Ehle said...

She's beautiful....Far be it for me to understand God's plans. I don't. I will never understand why my baby made it through OHS, while others' babies did not. But I am beyond thankful that my child was spared....because quite frankly, I wouldn't know how to live without her. I don't understand how precious beautiful loving children are thrown away like forgotten trash in other parts of the world simply because they carry an extra chromosome. I don't understand the heartache and suffering which seems to pervade every crack and crevice in our world. Despite my lack of understanding, He does have a plan which uses ALL things for His glory, if only we slow down long enough to look for it.
Praise Him through the storm, even when it seems impossible to do. Look for His rainbow...its there somewhere (my guess is shining from the eyes of that beautiful girl....)
Big hugs.

RissaRoo said...

Oh, TUC.....just......tears. There is piercing beauty in your post, your heart, your life...and most of all in that breath-taking little face. I'm thankful for you and with you.

Heather McFarland said...

While waiting to undergo surgery this week for breast cancer, my mother said the following...I just have to believe that God planned this day for me just as carefully as he planned the happiest ones. I don't know how it all works, I just know it does and the days I spent fighting it after our princess was born, not understanding how the suffering of one can be outweighed by the joy of another but then I am reminded that we are not of this world quite frankly wore me out. I think about all the precious babies caged in the lands across the sea and those murdered while still in the womb and I just have to rest in the fact that we were made for a different place and there in that place he will make everything right.

Anonymous said...

I cannot understand the pain of the death of your only daughter. I have no children. I am not married. I was sexually abused. I do know what is feels like to hurt. I do know what it feels like to be so mad at God. To want to run from my God who I really need to run toward. I do not run toward Him some days, it is a turn and look. Or a step toward Him. And on days when it hurts, I even step back from Him. And as the days continue I have made that change from moving away to moveing closer. This is not a one day trip. It is a long journey. It has good days and sad days. And all days are acceptable.
Thank you for turning to see that God is still with you.

TUC said...


I am so sorry for you that you suffered that way. Thank you for sharing your story with me.

My daughter Kimani did live through the meningitis and for that I am very grateful. Although she is the only biological daughter my husband and I have, I do also have two beautiful step-daughters and two beautiful adopted daughters to be thankful for.

Tara said...

And I am thanking Him with, "Thank you for reaching my friend." I've been praying for you for so long, my friend. I prayed with belief that you would find your way back. I knew that He is too good and you are too much a truth-seeker for you to remain estranged. Hugs to you.
That book was life-changing for me.

TUC said...

Thank you Tara :-)

Patti said...

Well I'm at the coast and I'm not supposed to be engaging online right now ;) but I had to stop in and read. You know, I hate that we don't have answers for these questions...why babies like Kimani go through things... why unborn babies go to Heaven too early- wanted and prayed for babies when other moms just throw them away every day...why my friend Deanna's one week old nephew suddenly and without explanation died last week...I just think we're not in Heaven yet. This wasn't supposed to be the place where everything that happens is God's perfect plan, this is a fallen, broken, hurting world and if I pin my hopes on everything working out here, I'm going to be let down much of the time. Every time I ask my husband "why??" he always says, "because we're not in Heaven yet." Choosing to be thankful goes so cross-grain to everything I feel right now...but the alternative hurts so much more. Love you, friend, and love this post.

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