Thursday, January 31, 2013

It Is So Hard to Keep It Real

Last night I wrote a post about the days when I was not an ok mom (prompted by an excellent post on Gillian's blog.) It was an honest post that described my struggles to overcome rageful reactions to ordinary kid stuff that my kids do. It was the kind of post that might touch someone out there who needs to hear that she is not alone, that there is hope, and that change is possible.

But I did not end up posting it. I may never post it. In fact as I read through my posts of late (the past year or so) I wonder if I will ever post real stuff that matters ever again... because too many people I know IRL read this blog (ahem, not that you would ever know that by the comments or rather lack there of.)

I struggle as a mom. I have body image issues. I am sad about my daughter Kimani... it twists my heart and mind. I have not-so-nice but true and rather funny opinions of some people around me and in my virtual world. I am seriously no longer convinced about God. I hate being a SAHM. I miss the freedom to travel. My husband doesn’t get enough sex. I am often tired of being me now and ache to be me then. I am conflicted about abortion. You get the idea.

But if I step off the cliff and write about all that, what does it really matter and in the long run it will only hurt me. When I go to publish my nonfiction book about parenting infants with Down syndrome, people will say, "That is the same woman who writes all that awful crap on her blog." When I try to set up playdates for my kids the moms will remember what I have written here and think maybe they don’t want their kids around her kids. I have already lost much of my Christian readership and would likely lose the rest.

Why blog anymore? I don’t know. There must be a reason I still feel drawn to write the truth as I see it.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Please keep writing. You articulate things many of us are feeling but have trouble sharing publicly or even with friends. I lost my Mom after a dreadful battle with cancer. From her diagnosis on, we rarely ever got a "break." She just never got good news. If there was a 90 percent chance of healing, she was in the 10 percent that got a reoccurance. She was very young and not ready to go--not ready to leave her grandchildren. It's hard to feel close to God when that happens. I'm still working on it. It's good to hear that others struggle as well.

Linda said...

I am right where you are. Except for the fact that you actually publish your blog posts, I write them and never publish them. Thanks for having the courage to say the things you are feeling. I would dare to say that most people feel them.

Anna said...

Bravo. Well said. If you had only heard the comments others made when we chose to adopt our daughter, when our oldest daughters husband decided he was gay- and they decided to divorce. My mind had a hard time figuring out how those people ended up in my "Christian" file and if I wanted to be under the same heading. My oldest daughter feels the same way. How did beautiful homeschool virgin end up in that place?! I have only found comfort in this world being broken, we are human- Christian or not, human and imperfect.

Deborah said...

I only really know you from this blog, and I appreciate so much that you *think* about things - that you deeply consider your life and the people around you. My blog is all "this is what happened" and not so much "here's what I think and feel about what happened" because my blog is read mostly by my IRL friends and family. I can talk about my feelings in person and wrestle through spiritual challenges with friends, but it is difficult for me to write and be authentic and real ... and safe. I hope you continue to post as you puzzle things out.

Chromosomally Enhanced said...

honesty is hard...especially with the lack of feedback...comments are few I think because its hard to face the truth...It is easy to just give it to faith...I am not sure why this is a virtual forum and that is why i tell my truth and whine about my struggles..yes I have lost readers because I just cannot get over it! it ok! do what you need to find peace...I read! and you always make me think..smiles

goldenleaves said...

Because keeping it real is important. Just because readers ignore something or choose not to read it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Hugs.

ckbrylliant said...

Personally, I can't understand why so many people are hell bent on being 'private'. What is there to gain in not sharing your story. Everyone has one and when the day is done and someone looks back they will see the same issues, struggles, hopes, and joys in most of them. Just surrounded by different details. Blog for you, no one else.

TUC said...

Brilliant, you are :-)

Victoria Keen said...

I NEVER get comments and I get tons of views, it makes me wonder if everyone just hates what I have to say.

But then I just keep writing anyhow, because I enjoy it and what if I do say something that will encourage someone?

You encourage me. :) Please keep writing!

TUC said...

Lol, never say never... I commented on your blog just the other day. I love your blog!

Anna Theurer said...

Mama Bear, keep on writing. Being honest is difficult. Putting that honesty out there for the whole world to see-for those who do not know you and those who do-- is unbelievably hard and scary. Half the time I am scared to hit the "publish" button on some of my posts. I worry about those negative comments and yet, when I do get the courage to post, the comments tend to say "me too"! I think that most of us feel what you feel or have at least felt it at one time or another. Whether you click that publish button or not, it is probably health to type those feelings out on the computer, even if it just for your eyes. Goodness, I do ramble.

Deanna said...

I don't know you in real life, but 1. You were an angel of mercy to me when I desperately needed one and I can never express how much I appreciated it 2. You are an amazing writer 3. I love the small glimpses into your life that you give us because yours is a story that needs to be told

I say blog but only when you want to and say only what you want to say. I hear you on too many IRL people reading. I struggle with that too. But don't let them steal your outlet of expression. With all the struggles going on in your life right now, there has never been a better time to write. I find that when I'm the happiest, I don't have a lot to say because who wants to read that mush?

TUC said...

Deanna... I wish I did know you IRL, and someday I might seeing how Vermont is just north of Paris, France ;-) Thanks for the encouragement, and most likely I will take more risks here because somethings matter that much.

CJ said...

Here's the thing. Those people who only accept you when you cover up the truth and keep your mouth shut?? So not worth not being YOU for. I like, respect and admire you because you DO push the boundaries, speak up and rock the blogosphere....not because you don't.

Becca said...

It's the honesty that compels me to continue reading. Keeping it real means that you've touched a nerve in so many of us, that part of us that *understands* so well. As far as the readership you've lost? They haven't been true enough to themselves to know that what's in someone's heart is what makes them real. They obviously are too shallow and hypocritical within their own beliefs to acknowledge that other people are allowed to have their own opinions and beliefs, whatever they may be. Anyway, thanks for your honestly.

Gillian Marchenko said...

I love your honesty. We need more like you in the world, lady. Keep writing. We'll keep reading.

Melissa said...

I completely love your honesty. I wish I could bare my soul too. But there are too many IRL people reading and being critical too. It's to bad, because I've been feeling quite lost, and writing always helped with that.

Abby said...

I loved reading this entry - I feel this way too and I think putting it out there will help other moms who suffer from these very same thoughts. The supermom idea needs to be shattered! Moms are just people too!

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