I See Evil People

It’s an epidemic. Everywhere I look on Facebook, I see evil people...

Just last week I found out that the Waltons (of Walmart) are evil. I did not know that they enslaved poor people everywhere, and are the reason poor people stay poor. I had no idea that they force people to work and shop at Walmart, thereby condemning them to a life of poverty. They make people wear cheap clothes (made in China) and they make people eat unhealthy foods (made in ?). Walmart stole more from us than the combined wealth (can you call it that when people are poor?) of the lowest 40% of our country. Those bastards.

 And then there are those evil fast food CEOs who are lining their pockets by blocking people's arteries. Thankfully New York’s Mayor Bloomberg is taking on those demons... if we are lucky he will protect NYC from 20 ounce sodas. But who will save us from Chick-fil-A? Those bigoted hatemongers, with values and beliefs that we do not agree with, use their profits (that they steal from us by force) against us. Thank God (um I mean thank nothing) that there are local politicians in Chicago, Boston, New York, and San Francisco who will block the expansion of evil businesses into their cities... because you know, I heard that if you buy a chicken sandwich from a hatemonger that makes you one too (unless of course you balance it out by picking up some Starbuck’s afterward).

Damn, it seems like no shopping trip is safe anymore. Drop a dime in the wrong place and I just might be keeping my friends from getting married or I may be helping to hold down the poor. This kind of stress might drive a girl to drink (hopefully not imported Vodka) or even to...

Bring on the smokes! Go Big Tobacco! 20oz sodas, clothes made in China, and greasy chicken sandwiches ain’t got nothin’ on you. Thankfully your CEOs know enough to shut up and pay up. Thankfully our politicians know enough to line their coffers (our coffins?) with people’s addictions... to the tune of more than $24.3 billion in gross cigarette excise tax revenues in FY2009 alone. Thankfully we all benefit from the death-colored revenues generated by Big Tobacco.

So skip the chips at Walmart, skip Chick-fil-A, skip Mac D’s and give your kid a smoke instead. You will be doing us all a solid.