Facebook Statuses That Perplex Me

I am so angry right now... pm me for details.
Do I "like" it? No. Do I want to pm you and get into a private deets convo that is likely not my business? Most of the time, no. Do I ignore it and look like I don't care about your problems? Yes.

I'm cleaning up my FB account and deleting anyone who doesn't comment that they want to stay my friend.
At some point I either asked for (and got) your FB friendship or you asked for mine and I gave it. Now I have to re-up it? Really?

Random OMG statuses.
Was it a good thing or a bad thing? It drives me nuts to have to ask what happened. You know you want to tell us something, so just say it instead of leaving me befuddled.

Look at how perfect and beautiful and awesome I am.
I already think good things about you or we wouldn't be FB friends, so you don't need to remind me all the time. (Facetious versions of this status are always liked. )

I have a very serious health issue.
Do I "like" it? No of course not. Do I know what to say? Most of the time, no. Do I ignore it and look like a cold shit? Yes, and I am sorry about that.

I am leaving FB to spend more time with my family.
Everyone understands and gives you heartfelt "we'll miss you" comments. If I "like" this one, am I liking that you will be gone from my feed or that you are such a devoted mother/wife that you would sacrifice FB, IDK. Either way, most likely you'll only last a week, and then I will be annoyed that I had to spend time deciding if I should have "liked" your attempt to leave me.

Unfriend me now if you blah blah blah...
I swear I did not do whatever it is you think your friends are doing, but doggone it, now I am stressed out about it and feel the need to "like" it or comment, even though I don't like it and don't know what to say.

Share this if you love your sister, mother, kid with disabilities, or whatever.
I assure you that I appropriately love the people and things that matter. Please don't ask me to prove it. And if the status was amazing, I'd share it without you having to ask me to. I'm cool like that.

Thank you Jesus for keeping your promises to your most faithful and answering my prayer.
A simple thank you would do. The rest of it simply insinuates that those of us without an answer (or the answer we wanted) are somehow inferior Christians.

Statuses #madeupofreallylongandhardtoreadhashtags.
I really want to know what you have to say, I really do. I just don't have the energy to figure it out. And just on general principle, I can't "like" it even if I do figure it out because I don't want to encourage #morefreakinhardtoreadstatuses

If you have posted a status similar to one on this list, don’t feel bad; so have I. #3 guilty as charged, but I swear to you that I am in OMG status rehab.