Sunday, December 5, 2010

What Can't I Do Online?

I can shop, read the news, make friends, pay a bill, support a cause, take a class, pick out a new daughter, defend my beliefs, earn a living, advocate for people with Down syndrome, spill my guts...

Wait... not that last one. Not so much anymore. I have written about this before and it has only gotten worse for me since then. My silence is choking me.

I can’t tell you how I feel about my step-daughter yanking my heart out and stomping on it, again.

I can’t tell you how I feel about my boss giving away my job.

I can’t tell you how I feel about the hard parts of adoption.

I can’t tell you how I lost my faith, or if I have for sure found it again.

And even if I could tell you about these things... there isn’t the time. The reality of it is that I spend most of my day filling mouths and wiping butts. I don’t even have time to tell you all the things I can’t tell you. It is probably better that way for now.

Maybe I can’t find the time because I am not ready to deal with the repercussions of honest writing. But then I ask myself, what is the sense of having a personal blog if I can’t talk about what is on my mind and staining my heart?

All right, all right then... I’ll tell you about one thing that has been bothering me. People tell me all the time that if only they had more room in their house, or more money in their bank account, that they would adopt.

That isn’t why you aren’t doing it. You aren’t doing it because it is a sacrifice of time, a huge forever commitment of your emotional, mental, and bodily resources. And you are scared... scared that the child might turn out to be full of problems, medical issues, or low functioning.

Children are freedom thieves. They enslave us with their needs. Our own darlings are worth the forbearances because they are so beautiful and talented, not to mention we know they come from good stock. But other children? Children whose mothers may have smoked crack while they were forming? Children with congenital birth defects? Children who may not know how to love you back?

Hell no, there just isn’t the space in your house for that.

Anyway, being bitchy about it isn’t going to change your mind. So I will tell you a secret, adopted kids are fascinating. And they teach you that love equals action.

And I will tell you another secret. It is ok with me if you don’t want one. You don’t need to explain.

7 comments:

Holly W said...

I love your honesty...and how after reading a post I think of it for days...and days...and days...

Lacey said...

Amen!
And on your post about the cortical vision problems. Jax has the same thing from his brain injury. It does get better with time. I can already tell that he see's a little better than 4 years ago. I'm not sure how long ago hers was, but it should get better with time!

disillusioned said...

I want to adopt--and slowly in the process of it--and totally want to adopt a child with special needs--always have. I'm single--and just finished a higher degree in order to have a life with some stability--yet hopefully flexible enough....

Anyway--the waiting is the worse--the "affording" is the worst!!! Saving pennies--paying off student loan debt. Some day....

So--not my excuses--working hard toward the goal. Any suggestions or ideas about how you did 2 and so fast would be great!

Mary

Chromosomally Enhanced said...

I LOVE your honesty and have truly missed it!! I bet your days and nights a FILLED with everything from a to z and then some I cannot imagine...I took care of a little girl that was adopted from a meth home and it was truly one of the highlights of my life...to see her grow, learn and love...and most of all trust..the truth hurts and we are like babies selfish...smiles

Anna said...

These things you cant blog about...... if youd like to talk about them. Or e-mail type about them. Im here. Pansi@aol.com

The Sanchez Family said...

Oh my dear!!!! I feel this post like you can't believe...notice the silence on both my blogs....I'm stuck...there....too.....:) Hugs...let's chat online sometime soon :)

Far Above Rubies said...

Notice the silence on my blog, too. I know how you feel...

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