Like the aligning of distant planets prior to a cosmic event, bits and pieces of a revelation concerning Kimani line up inside my head.
For a long, long time I have wanted to know for what purpose it serves God to have allowed Kimani to get meningitis. There is no answer that satisfies. And since those cursed days of July 2008, I wander... lost in sorrow and anger.
Recently I heard an interview with musician Jeremy Camp where he talks about his wife’s attitude toward her terminal cancer. He recounts that she said, “If my situation brings one person to God, then it is all worth it.” The bitter voice inside my head replied, “Yeah, but would you say that if it was your child?”
The interview left me with that sole thought... what about when its your child instead of you. What Christian can answer me that?
Holding the book One Thousand Giftsin my hands, I read Ann Voskamp’s initial answer, “No, God, Your plans are a gutted, bleeding mess and I didn’t sign up for this and You really thought I’d go for this?” and a tear splashes down darkening a small spot on the page. I have been saying that very thing to God.
I have been saying no. I have been screaming NO! I have taken a stance, “No God, there is nothing, no reason good enough for letting Kimani be brain-damaged by meningitis.” In my anger, I have shown how ungrateful I am.
It is written in Genesis (a book I was made to reread this week for a class I am taking) that God said to Abraham, “Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Mori'ah, and offer him there as a burnt offering upon one of the mountains of which I shall tell you." Gen. 22:2. For those of you who aren’t up on Genesis, Abraham went but God spared Isaac at the last minute. In modern times who would obey that call from God to accept that their own child is the sacrifice? Not me.
Except for one little problem. It is already done, and my refusal of this as part of God’s plans for me has ruined our relationship. I can no longer participate in the Eucharist, the “Thanksgiving”, the communion with God. I am not able to “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” as instructed in 1Th 5:18.
I ask myself, “Is she no longer a reason to bow down in thankful praise?” That is the message I got from Ann... that the way back begins with “Thank you.”
So today I begin my journey back, “Thank you God for her beautiful blue eyes.”
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